Holidays Without You

This morning it was raining when I woke up.

I tried to be happy about the holiday season, the mac and cheese, the fresh coquito, the pernil in the oven, arroz con gandules. Every year smells the same, but this year feels significantly different. You’re not here, to post your food, to invite me over, to text me happy thanksgiving. I can’t call you or text you, I can only look up and smile, think about the great times and conversations we had when you were here. Life feels emptier, the world feels hollow; with every raindrop that falls I feel the world shift, the wind is colder. I miss you beyond words, my heart aches a different ache. As much as I deny, I feel it all on some days, especially on days like this that I know you’d enjoy so much. It never feels real, but it always hurts more. Sometimes I like to think you were just a part of a beautiful dream, or that I’m living in a nightmare, whatever it is, I refuse to believe this is real.

Sometimes when I sit in silence, it still sounds just as quiet as it was when I first got the news. The world slows down when I replay our memories, such a suddenly unexpected and undeserved passing. There’s so many emotions attached to this new reality and new me, so much anger, sadness and hurt:. Through this I’ve learned to be kinder, softer, and even more loving to those around me. You’re the worst lesson I’ve ever had to learn in my 22 years of living thus far. One day I’ll smile, it won’t hurt as much, I’ll face reality, I’ll carry you in my heart and on my shoulders. One day my tears won’t fall so heavily, they’ll still sting but in a different way. One day I might never understand why this happened, but I’d have found a way to live and continue to learn from this experience. One day I’ll make you proud, you’ll live through me as I succeed and live the lives we both planned.


Sincerely, 

Your Sandbox Bae🥹

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